010 The stage of denial is over

Summer is here! For everyone else in my class they have "only" two and a half month vacation, but in my case the school is officially on hold for the next 14 and a half months. People have been asking me constantly if I'm already anxious or nervous, and up to this day I've been able to say "no" without it being a lie. The last few months I haven't really given any thought to my upcoming exchange year. Partly it has been a conscious choice, partly subconscious. I have a bad habit of pushing the things that bother me into the deepest parts of my mind until I'm up to my ears in crap. That's when I cry the nasty feelings away until I've emptied my cup of mental problems and gotten my mind in a working condition again.

I haven't been bawling my eyes out lately but the reality has started to hit me. Other exchange students have started to have second thoughts, which has been the first thing to mess my "don't think about it" -strategy. Then I returned my last exam to the teacher. Then I saw my best friend after a long while and had a blast with her. Then I saw people graduate.
I don't think it's a coincidence that I (among with a lot of other future exchange students) have started to question my life choices. It was easy to dismiss the fact that my departure day was getting closer when I was in school. But now I can't do it anymore. The school is over, which means that the countdown has really started. It's not months I count anymore. It's days. And before I even know it, I'll be looking at the clock and feel like I'm about to vomit because my flight will depart in one hour.


I've been going back and forth between posting this, but discussing with my best friend about how we will handle the D-Day led me to break the last walls and hit the publish button. I want to be honest to you about everything in both good and bad. I'm not regretting anything, but I am afraid and anxious. It feels like only a week ago I found out I'm going to Argentina, and now there less than 80 days until my departure.
In the same time I've started to have a whole new kind of respect towards myself. I told one of my work mates about my exchange year and she told she could never do what I am about to do. Yeah. Not anyone can do what I'm doing. Not everyone even cares about doing what I'm doing. Some people are just fine living their lives in their home countries and cities, and that's completely fine. But that doesn't mean that there isn't something special about us exchange students, who are willing to leave our safe and familiar lives to put ourselves out there to learn things we wouldn't otherwise learn.

I feel like I have a lot more to say about these topics, but I think I'll save them for another post and let them cook for while. I'm still working on the travel video because I have big problems with getting a few clips to work and rendering the video. Hopefully I get these things working because I want to share my videos with you!

Hope you all have a great beginning of summer :) cheers!